the up's and downs with you

I love being with you

I enjoy every second around you
but there always seem to be something wrong.
I don't know why..
but somehow we aren't ment to be with eachother.
It's hard to be nice to you
cause somehow I love to kick you down
just to keep you around
cause that's the way it seems to work with us.
When I'm nice to you
I'm nothing to you
it's like I'm not even there
I can try my best but it's nothing
but when I don't try this hard to be nice
and I let my feelings free
and say whatever there's on my mind
you seem to see me
you seem to want me
want me the way I once have been longing for you
but it's not enough
cause we're two jalous people
who love to love eachother
but love even more to hate eachother
not that we really could..
I love you
just the way you are
with your anger all the time
your lies about everything
with your tears for nothing
I love you just the way you are
with your sweet words
your stupid actions
and your beautiful face
It's just never enough
not after all this time

fields of gold

met het kerstdiner ga ik als het goed is fields of gold zingen..
ik vind het een ontzettend moeilijk lied maar de tekst is zo mooi <3.

You'll remember me when the west wind moves
Upon the fields of barley
You'll forget the sun in his jealous sky
As we walk in the fields of gold

So she took her love
For to gaze awhile
Upon the fields of barley
In his arms she fell as her hair came down
Among the fields of gold

Will you stay with me, will you be my love
Among the fields of barley
We'll forget the sun in his jealous sky
As we lie in the fields of gold

See the west wind move like a lover so
Upon the fields of barley
Feel her body rise when you kiss her mouth
Among the fields of gold
I never made promises lightly
And there have been some that I've broken
But I swear in the days still left
We'll walk in the fields of gold
We'll walk in the fields of gold

Many years have passed since those summer days
Among the fields of barley
See the children run as the sun goes down
Among the fields of gold
You'll remember me when the west wind moves
Upon the fields of barley
You can tell the sun in his jealous sky
When we walked in the fields of gold
When we walked in the fields of gold
When we walked in the fields of gold

                  I think I'm falling for you..

verandering

stom hoe je altijd naar verandering lijkt te verlangen en bij de kleinste verandering val je toch liever terug op het oude vertrouwde. Terwijl je zelf ook wel weet dat verandering juist goed is en alleen maar leuk misschien zelfs wel leuker. Toch heb je de neiging het nieuwe te vermijden omdat het spannend is en onbekend en je niet weet wat je ervan kunt verwachten. Ik wil verder, ik wil het nieuwe maar de stap naar het nieuwe lijkt meteen zo groot als je ook bij het oude kunt blijven. Wel zo veilig. Het mooie aan nieuwe situaties is dat je overnieuw kunt beginnen.  Je hebt geen stom verleden dat je achtervolgt en je kunt jezelf opnieuw presenteren. Soms kun je bij bepaalde mensen zelfs leuker en zelf verzekerder op komen als bij je oude vaste groep die al van alles met je hebben meegemaakt en zowel je goede als je slechte kanten kennen. Nu leer je elkaar natuurlijk snel genoeg kennen en kun je lang niet alles aan jezelf veranderen maar het geeft wel nieuw vertrouwen en nieuwe hoop. Hoop waarvoor je zou moeten gaan.

Nu alleen het lef nog.

                      I feel butterflies.

I'm not in love

I'm not in love.
I'm not in love.
I'm not in love.
I'm not in love.
I'm not in love.
I'm not in love.
I'm not in love.
maybe just a little..

you make me feel alive again.

              you make me feel alive again.

beautiful soul

heel slecht..
maar zo mooi..

"Beautiful Soul"

I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul

I know that you are something special
To you I'd be always faithful
I want to be what you always needed
Then I hope you'll see the heart in me

I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
You're the one I wanna chase
You're the one I wanna hold
I wont let another minute go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul

You might need time to think it over
But im just fine moving forward
I'll ease your mind
If you give me the chance
I will never make you cry c`mon lets try

Am I crazy for wanting you
baby do you think you could want me to
There is nothin left to hide

I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
You're the one I wanna chase
You're the one I wanna hold
I wont let another minute go to waste

I want you and your soul
I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul

love

I'm giving up on you

I won't live for you

or die for you

won't do anything for you

cause you've messed me up

and let me down

and I won't be there for you

not now

not ever

not anymore

I'm giving up on you

=x

eat pray love

                 
                                               that's how life should be

good day or bad day be thankful

sometimes you have those days where everything seems to fail big time

you woke up to make the best of the best today but it didn’t work out the way you wanted it. You know you have some money issues but hey your financial support comes in a few days and everything will be just fine. Till you find out your id is coming closer to the date of expiry and buying an new id costs you 40 euro’s four a poor student that’s a lot money especially when you know you still got a few study books you also have to pay. I’m not someone who cares a lot about money but I get a little terrified if I’m not sure I will have enough money for the rest of the month..

then there are more issues..

of course..

I’m having back issues for a long long time and because I’m a little cocky I went through the  pain until it became too much to handle that happened a few weeks ago I couldn’t sit or stand so on a whole day I was lying on the couch or walking through the neighborhood and I don’t like doing nothing on a day. So when I finally freaked myself out after eight weeks I tried to bite through the pain and it works..

Sort off..

But now that I’m picking up my schoolwork again I’m starting to realize that it isn’t that easy to bite through the pain and still do something I like to do..

And I’m not a quitter not at all but it seems so much easier to just leave everything and go. But I never chose the easy way so I probably won’t chose it this time but it makes things a lot harder than it’s supposed to be..

Because of my back issues I’m all the time tired my life seems to be between my bed, school and my laptop and I don’t like that at all..

So I’m starting to feel a little bit miserable..

But I shouldn’t cause there are so many things happening I do love and most of the days I’m so thankful for everything that’s happening right now.

I finally got an appointment in the hospital for anesthesia so my back will feel a lot better in a few weeks at least I hope so..

And I got great friends..

Sitting at home having not much of contact with the rest of the world made me realize who were my real friends..

Who calls me to ask how things are going?

Who writes letters?

It seems like not that much but it shows a lot. Cause real friends are always there they want to know how you’re doing and they care..

So I’m really thankful.

And there are a lot things to look forward to parties, dates, holidays, and of course our own event.

There’s a lot to deal with but there are also a lot of things to be thankful for..

every day I miss you a little less

every day I miss you a little less..

It's not that I dont like you anymore

Or I don't love you enough

It's just that I never see you

And sure you're in my thoughts and in my dreams

But something finally changed 

I just can go on without you

I think I've just fallen in love..

Be Mine Lyrics (Robyn Cover with Erik Hassle)

 

It's a good thing tears never show in the pouring rain
As if a good thing ever could make up for all the pain
There'll be no last chance to promise to never mess it up again
Just a sweet pain of watching your back as you walk
As I'm watching you walk away

And now you're gone it's like an echo in my head
And I remember every word you said

It's a cruel thing you'll never know all the ways I tried
It's a hard thing faking a smile when I feel like I'm falling apart inside

And now you're gone it's like an echo in my head
And I remember every word you said

And you never were
and you never will be mine
No you were never were
and you never will be mine

For the first time there is no mercy in your eyes
And the cold winds hitting my face and you're gone
And you're walking away, away
And I am helpless sometimes
Wishing's just no good
Cause you don't see me like I wish you would

Cause you never were and you never will be mine
No you never were and you never will be mine

There's a moment to seize every time we meet
But you always keep passing me by
But you never were and you never will be mine
No you were never were and you never will be mine

There's a moment to seize every time that we meet
But you always keep passing me by
But you never were and you never will be mine

vaagheid

Het is typisch hoe dingen kunnen lopen..

nou weet ik dat ik af en toe een vaag persoon kan zijn..

maar af en toe begrijp ik mezelf gewoon niet..

ik kan naar dingen ontiegelijk uit kijken echt dag in dag uit denken aan hoe geweldig het zou zijn weer iets van iemand te horen. En als het eenmaal zo ver is dat je eindelijk weer een gesprek kunt voeren dan springt je hart de eerste vijf minuten in je keel en komt er niet veel zinnigers uit dan gestotter, om vervolgens een gesprek over koetjes en kalfjes te voeren waarbij je jezelf afvraagt waarom je hier nu zo naar uit had gekeken..

maar het stomme is dan weer dat als je de volgende ochtend wakker wordt je direct weer terug denkt aan dat gesprek..

ik heb eindelijk weer met em gesproken..

en dan kun je niet wachten tot het volgende gesprek..

terwijl je het eigenlijk niet zo geweldig vond als dat je had gehoopt..

Of je vind iemand leuk en dan met name iemand die ver weg is.

Dat je continu met die gene in je hoofd zit en aan niets anders kunt denken, dat je niet kunt wachten tot je die persoon eindelijk weer kan zien en dan zie je elkaar loopt t even ongemakkelijk begin je weer te praten over van alles en nog wat, wat er maar in je op komt op dat moment..

vervolgens ben je het dan ook direct weer vergeten. 

Maar dan blijken je gevoelens voor die persoon toch niet zo groots te zijn als dat je dacht..

of je hebt die eene jongen die je altijd de meest lieve smsjes stuurt waar je bij weg blijft dromen..

waarmee je dan af wilt spreken maar op het moment dat je af wilt spreken dan wil de ander het ineens toch minder graag en kan er geen datum geprikt worden om werkelijk af te spreken..

alsof t ze afschrikt dat je de ander gewoon graag wil zien..

wat dat betreft zitten we opzich best dom in elkaar..

ik in ieder geval wel..

maar nu vraag ik me af of het nu gewoon ligt aan een grote fantasie waarbij je dingen mooier maakt dan ze zijn..

of naïviteit de volgende keer zal het wel leuker zijn..

één ding is in ieder geval zeker je wordt er een vrolijker mens van door telkens de goede kant van dingen te blijven zien.

Gossip Girl

People who really know me may know that I'm addicted to gossip girl. It’s a stupid addiction cause it’s the most girly girl serie you can watch. But I love it. At first I felt a little bit stupid watching it cause I’m not that girly I mean all the rumors all the betraying it isn’t really my thing but I love to watch it. About I year ago I met a boy and at first sight he looked like chuck Bass the most powerful man at the serie. I was a little bit drunk so I forgot his real name but I called him the rest of the evening Chuck. He didn’t mind at all probably because he was drunk too but he liked the serie and I started to identificate him with chuck. Every time I watch the serie I would want to know how things were going with him. Another character at the serie was Blair Waldorf a girl with flair who wanted to be something big something world changing and in the same time she’s the biggest bitch on earth. I always saw myself as someone who would change the world someday and I loved her style and humor so I started to identificate with her. Even though I liked Serena Vander Woodsen much more. In the serie chuck and Blair were partners in crime they always find something to humiliate someone else. I hope I’m not like that but to be honest I can be a bitch sometimes. You’ve always known there was something between that to just like me and the boy I met . Totally unexpected they got together and had the most wonderful relationship you can ever imagine just like I did by the way. But somehow they found out that love isn’t always enough just like we did. It was heartbreaking and I cried with Blair ( yeah I know how stupid that sounds but I knew exactly how she was feeling) Blair and Chuck didn’t get back together but they were watching each other trying to find out what they were doing, who they were dating and what they were feeling. As I watched it, it looked very silly it’s over you don’t go after your ex there’s a reason you two broke up. But of course I did the same. I didn’t even think about it but I really wanted to know how he was doing does he miss me?, is he having fun?, how did his exams go? I could kill myself for asking those questions but I didn’t want to bother him. In the serie Chuck got an accident it almost seemed like he was going to die and Blair didn’t even know what if that would happen to me?!?! It was killing every day I wanted to know more about him did he do anything dangerous? What if he had an accident how long would it take before I would know? Blair and Chuck got together at a rail station in Paris and they talked about what happened they were two new people they’ve changed so much over the summer. I didn’t want to talk to the boy who once meant the world to me he let me down so why should I spent time with him. Of course we did met not at a rail station in Paris but just at my room and we talked about things and some feelings came back. Although I don’t know if those feelings came back by him he kissed me so that should mean something shouldn’t it? In the serie Blair and Chuck started to hate each other. And typically enough I started to hate my boy to he left for a long time and didn’t hold contact with me even though he know I missed him like hell. But now something weird happened in the serie. At the moment Chuck and Blair hated each other the most they couldn’t resist each other and felt in love again. And I can’t help but thinking could this happen to me? I know the chance would be really small and I could say it’s almost impossible while we are not speaking at the moment but I still wonder..   

You've got me screaming insecure

It feels like I’m on fire

Every bone in my body is ready to explode

I miss you

But I can’t stand being in the same room with you

I hate you with everything that’s inside me

But I love you even more

I want you to be here

I want you to be close

I would love to see your temper again

See you longing for me

The way I’ve always been longing for you

I loved you at first sight

And hated you by second

I disgust you

And I would love to make you feel my pain

I still see you every night

Over and over again

But I don’t want to

Cause I don’t need you

I’ve lost you once before

And I will lose you again

The idea of seing you with someone else

Kills me

But I would love to make you feel that way

Come a little closer

Let me look to you in a way no one ever looked at you before

Let me hold you like no one else can

Let me hurt you

The way you’ve hurted me

Come a little closer let me see your eyes

Filling with tears you can’t deny

I know you loved me

Even though you act like you’ve never cared

Come a little closer and feed me with your lies

You lied to me before

And you would do it again

But that won’t stop me from loving you again.

I would die for you

you know I would..