Bang

Het is grappig hoe iedereen wel ergens bang voor is. Is het niet voor spinnen dan is het wel voor slangen, haaien, dieptes, hoogtes, de toekomst, het verleden en ga zo maar door. Terwijl het eigenlijk gewoon een mind-fuck is aangezien je het jezelf aanpraat. Er is niets waar je bang voor hoeft te zijn dat praat je jezelf maar aan. Jij besluit dat iets eng is dus ben je er bang voor. Het is iets wat je ontzettend in de weg kan zitten en je kan tegen houden de dingen te doen die je zou willen doen, maar tegelijkertijd is het ook iets heel moois want je stelt je hiermee kwetsbaar op. Je laat zien dat je misschien niet de hele wereld aan kunt maar wel je best blijft doen. Zolang het maar bij een paar kleine dingen blijft en je er tenminste mee om kunt gaan. Want niets lijkt me vervelender dan bang zijn voor alles, bang zijn bij alles wat je doet. Tuurlijk af en toe ben je bang voor wat de toekomst je gaat brengen omdat het onduidelijk is. Maar dat betekent nog niet dat je de kans niet grijpt toch?
Zelf ben ik als de dood voor slangen, er hoeft maar een slang in een film voor te komen en het zal het eerste zijn wat ik zie en ik kan direct de film niet meer serieus kijken omdat ik die stomme slang blijf volgen bij elke beweging. Terwijl ik ook wel weet dat dat ding nep is of in ieder geval achter een scherm zit en never nooit bij mij kan komen.
Maar zo heeft iedereen wel iets. En het is niet erg om bang te zijn voor dingen zolang je jou angst niet je leven over laat nemen. Want uiteindelijk is het toch maar iets wat in je hoofd zit. Wat je jezelf hebt aangepraat.

(en ja deze foto zoeken was een hele stap en zal vannacht ook zeker terug komen in mijn nachtmerries xD)

you can't be happy

You can’t be happy
You’ve got so much pain inside your soul
it makes it harder to breath
you have to struggle through every day
and hope you make it till the end
sometimes you see a little sparkle
a little piece of light
something to believe in
to hold on to
but when you try to reach it
it’s already gone
somehow you can’t be happy
you can’t smile when people are smiling
you’re closed up inside
show no emotions no more
no tears, no anger and no smile
life is too hard for you
you can’t trust anyone
cause everyone is only there to hurt you
you live for yourself
and for no one else
feelings don’t matter
people don’t matter
only you matter
and all your pain
you can’t be happy

super human

You’re the kind of person who walks around without a care
looking like you’re a super human
girls admire you and boys are jealous
sometimes people act hateful to you
and you just walk pass them
acting like they don’t stand a chance

I know it hurts you
but you will never show
there’s a little boy behind that big wall
a boy who gives a shit about people
and opinions

You’re the one who makes the conversation
the one everyone wants to listen at
you’ve got something to say
and it’s important to that people will listen
cause it’s the next step to making a new maybe better world

But you feel pain
all the time
and sometimes your heart just wants to scream out
but you stay calm till you’re all alone
no one to impress
no one to care for you
that’s when you can be yourself

Have you ever met a person you just want to know
need to know
but somehow you know that it has no point starting a conversation
cause what do you have to say to that guy who knows everything
who seems better than you
higher than you
nothing

He wants you to care
he wants you to talk with him
to love him
but he will never share that feeling
cause that would damage his image
and that’s something that might never happen

That person you look up to isn’t god
he isn’t better than you
or smarter than you
he doesn’t know everything
it’s just a boy who wants to be a men 

not the girls we used to be

We used to be the girls everyone finds annoying
always laughing about the stupidest things
talking about everything where ever we were
like we haven’t seen each other for days
and have a lot to catch up with
while we just seen each other a few hours ago
and even when we weren’t together we would text all the time
so we knew what we were doing when we were not together
we could sit and talk for hours about life, about love
we looked a lot like each other not in our style or our clothing
but just the way we handle things
the same stupid actions, the way we talked, the people we met
it was not exactly the same but it seemed the same
we couldn’t really be without each other
we were fine just the way we were
and we liked how the people surrounding us had no clue what we were doing
but our ways changed, we met new people found new friends
and we were okay
sometimes I wish we could still sit and talk about life or about love
we both try the best we can but it just don’t feel the same anymore
we’re not the people we used to be

a litlle bit crazy maybe

People might think I’m crazy for loving you all over again
after all we’ve been through somehow my feelings stay strong
You broke me down piece by piece and let me down so many times
I found out that I can be happy without you
living my life the way it should be
meet new people, kind people
fall in and out love the way things go sometimes
but somehow you always left a little hole inside of me
not big, not overwhelming or important enough to talk about
but you did.
you treated me like a stranger and that was painful but right at the moment
cause if you didn’t I would yell at you and make it even worse than it already was.
We’ve spent two years apart and that was hard but as I already said just fine
you tried to forget me and I tried to forget you
all that was left were just painful memories not to talk about ever again.
But you came back and pulled me back up
you remembered me of the good times we’ve had in a past life
you showed me how good it was and why it was important to never forget.
and it just felt good.
after all we’ve been through it still feels good sometimes
and not to forget sometimes even worse than I could remember
oke, that’s a lie..
but although somewhere deep inside I still got feelings for you and really, really, really want to try it over again.
I know, more than ever  that we shouldn’t try to make this better.
Cause somehow we will always blow it up
and that’s just fine.

playing the blame game

I’m biting on my tongue
cause all these words keep slipping out of my mouth
I’m not trying to hurt you but I just can’t keep it in
you don’t mind your words
and you just don’t have a clue how much it hurts
I try to not make a problem of it
and I keep telling myself he’s not trying to hurt you
but don’t you see that every word makes a little cut into my heart?
and don’t you know that a lot of small cuts make a pretty messy wound
try to understand that I’m just loving you and try to take it in as good as I can
but sometimes it’s just too much
and my heart can’t take it
my tongue will try to protect me and speak out all those thoughts about you
oke, not all..
cause that would mean you never want to hear a thing from me
just keep your words inside and think before you talk
cause otherwise this has been enough

Black Butterflies

Black butterflies is een film over een blanke Afrikaanse dichter Ingrid Jonker. Ik had al vaker over deze bijzondere vrouw met haar prachtige, gevoelige gedichten gelezen maar deze film maakt het gevoel af. Een vrouw die zo veel pijn in haar leven heeft gevoeld en het nog mooier op papier weet te zetten. Ondanks haar korte leven en de pijn die ze met zich mee heeft gedragen heb ik ontzettend veel bewondering voor haar. Het was een vrouw die opkwam voor haar mening en daarmee ontzettend veel mensen, waaronder haar vader tegen zich opzette. Ze vocht voor wat ze geloofde tot ze de strijd niet meer aan kon. Het is pijnlijk om te lezen maar ook zo ontzettend mooi.

'I am with those
who abuse sex
because the individual doesn't count
with those who get drunk
against the abyss of the brain
against the illusion that life
had once been beautiful or good or sacred
against the garden parties of falseness
against the silence beating at the temples
with those who poor and old
race against death the atom bomb of the days
with those stupefied in institutions
shocked with electric currents
through the cataracts of the senses
with those whose hearts have been removed
like the light from the robot of safety
with those coloured african deprived
with those who kill
because every death confirms a new
the lie of life
and please forget
about justice it doesn't exist
about brother hood it's deceit
about love it has no right' - Ingrid Jonker

In plaats van je elke dag een beetje minder te missen lijk ik je alleen maar meer te missen.
Ik wou dat je hier was.