A year ago was probably the worst day of my life so far,
some things you forget easily
others seem to stick around you every day for the rest of your life.
It hurts but you’ll learn to live with it.
It’s a process, first it only hurts and you can’t seem to hide your feelings
anywhere
so you get quiet so no one will notice.
Than there comes the anger,
you like to smash everyone who comes in your way.
To protect yourself from doing that you hide in your room
thinking that there is no one who cares to get you out of this hell hole.
You will find out that you have to leave your room otherwise there is no food
and you can only make it worse by skipping school.
So you go out and pretend there is nothing wrong
till you realize you’re avoiding crowded places cause that’s where you lose
yourself.
There will be too many people around and everyone will seem to stare at you.
Not that they really notice you, but that’s what you think.
You try to keep some close friends near you so you don’t have to face the world
alone.
You ask a lot of people, not just by sharing your story.
People will try to help you, they keep you close and watch every move you make.
They can see behind your mask so when you’re leaving because you’re about to
burst out into tears you will leave them with a weird feeling of guilt for not
helping you.
Simply because they can’t help you.
No one can help you at that moment accept for the person who isn’t there, at
least that’s what you think.
You leave home, maybe a new surrounding can clear your mind and make you see
things straight again.
You read a lot, listen to music and keep a diary in the hope that you will find
yourself again. At the end of the week away from hope I wrote a letter and send
it.
I actually thought that would be a good thing, speaking out what’s on my mind.
Telling what I’m thinking and what I’m feeling.
Guess what? It turned out to be not the best thing I could have done.
I didn’t hear a thing from the receiver for a few weeks so I was eating myself
up inside till I couldn’t bare it anymore and I called him to ask if he got it.
Which was a big step for someone who hates calling.
Of course he didn’t pick up the phone so I let it rest for a day.
The next morning I got a message saying he didn’t like my letter and didn’t
want to have anything to do with me anymore.
I didn’t know why, and I still don’t know.
Back than it was killing all those questions I wanted to ask but just couldn’t
cause every time I tried I got pushed down under the surface till I couldn’t
try it anymore.
Which was a good thing actually even though I didn’t see it that way back then.
I’ve had a hard time with letting go, because it wasn’t just people I had to
let go, I had to let go of myself and start over.
I finally realized that I’ve lost myself in the process and I had to find
myself back.
Being me I did it the worst way possible, playing with feelings, not caring
about anyone else because it felt like people could only hurt you in the end.
I overcame that period thankfully by starting to feel things again.
I felt the pain I’ve cost to others and it was a wakeup call to me.
I know I screwed it up even worse than I did before and this wasn’t the way of
moving on.
So I totally focused on school nothing else mattered anymore and I found myself
back or someone I haven’t seen in me for years.
My back wasn’t hurting as much as before and things seemed to light up again.
I even felt in love again, I enjoyed going out all night dancing with
strangers, drinking way too much, living for the music that was on and just
feeling every minute.
I could do everything I wanted again and that gave me a freedom I haven’t had
for years. I could laugh with tears rolling over my cheeks which haven’t been
there for a long long time.
I could really feel again.
When I lost that love again, everything seemed to fell apart again but I was
sure I wouldn’t let myself get down the way I did before.
Somehow it helped and I got lucky again.
I can say I’m way happier than I was a year ago.
The pain is still there every day but I can handle it again because I’m me
again and I’ve got people I can count on. Sure I will be down again but isn’t
that the way life goes? With up’s and down’s.
Just don’t let the downs be more than the up’s can be.
